The Simple Shift That Builds Real Connection

Why “How can I support you?” works when “How can I help?” falls flat

By Chris Ruszkiewicz | CMR Coaching & Consulting

We all want to show up well for the people in our lives—especially when they’re struggling.

So we reach out. We offer help.

We say things like:

“Let me know if there’s anything I can do.”

“What can I do to help?”

And more often than not, the response sounds like:

“I’m good.”

“I’ve got it handled.”

“I’m fine.”

But they’re not fine. And deep down, we know it.

The real problem? We’re not asking the wrong thing—we’re asking it the wrong way.

A Story That Changed Everything

Several years ago, I found myself in one of the most terrifying moments of my life. My husband was critically ill. His doctors couldn’t figure out what was wrong. There was a very real possibility that he could be permanently paralyzed.

While trying to navigate a maze of specialists, hospitals, and worst-case scenarios, I was also trying to hold our life and business together. I was in full crisis mode—drained, scared, and holding it all in.

Friends and family reached out asking, “How can I help?”

And my answer was always the same:

“I’m fine.”

“I’ve got it.”

It wasn’t that I didn’t need help. I did. But in that moment, I didn’t have the mental space to delegate, explain, or even figure out what help would look like.

Then, something changed.

A family member didn’t ask. He didn’t wait for instructions. He said:

“I’m coming to support you. I’ll take care of this and this.”

That was it. No pressure. No decisions to make.

Just presence. Just action. Just support.

And in that moment, I felt something I hadn’t felt in days:

Relief.

Seen.

Cared for.

The Shift from Help to Support

This story may sound familiar because we’ve all been on both sides of that exchange.

We’ve offered help and been brushed off.

We’ve needed help and found it hard to ask.

And many times, we’ve said we’re “fine” when we were anything but.

So what’s going on?

The word help can unintentionally create pressure. It puts the other person in the position of needing to solve your desire to assist. That’s another decision, another task, at a time when they may be maxed out.

In contrast, the word support is lighter. It signals partnership, not problem-solving. It offers presence, not a plan. And that changes everything.

What the Research Says

This isn’t just a linguistic preference. It’s grounded in how the brain works.

🧠 According to interpersonal neurobiology and research by Dr. Dan Siegel, language impacts how our nervous systems respond in conversation. Words like “help” can activate areas of the brain associated with stress and social threat—especially if the person feels like they should be holding it together. “Support,” on the other hand, activates the brain’s social connection systems, increasing feelings of safety and trust.

Put simply:

“Help” can feel like a spotlight.

“Support” feels like someone walking beside you.

That’s why this tiny word swap creates space for honest responses instead of automatic shutdowns.

Why This Matters in Business, Leadership, and Sales

If you're a leader, entrepreneur, coach, or sales professional, the language you use shapes your results.

You can have the best intentions and still miss the mark if the phrasing triggers resistance.

Consider these situations:

• A team member is clearly burned out. You say, “What can I do to help?” and they say, “I’m fine.”

• A client is stuck making a decision. You offer, “Let me know how I can help.” They disappear from the conversation.

• A family member is overwhelmed, and your offer of help leaves them politely declining but emotionally shutting down.

In each case, it’s not that help isn’t needed. It’s that help can feel like pressure. Support feels like care.

This is especially important for salespeople and service-based professionals.

When your goal is to create trust and reduce decision fatigue, your words must create psychological safety. That’s how you move people from resistance to relationship.

Try This Simple Swap

Here’s how this shift looks in real time:

Instead of...	Try saying...
“How can I help?”	“How can I support you right now?”
“Let me know what I can do.”	“I’ve got some time this week—what would be most useful to take off your plate?”
“I’m here if you need anything.”	“I’m here to support you. Want to walk through it together?”

These are all small changes. But they have big impact. They remove pressure and invite conversation.

A Question for Reflection

Where in your business—or your life—are you offering help when support is what’s truly needed?

If you’re hearing “I’m good” from people you know aren’t okay…

If you feel like you’re trying, but the connection isn’t landing…

Try making this shift.

See what opens up.

Final Thought

Language matters.

Not because we’re trying to be polished or perfect, but because we’re trying to be effective.

Support is more than a word. It’s a posture.

And in high-stress moments—whether personal, professional, or both—it’s the difference between feeling burdened and feeling seen.

Let’s stop offering help.

Let’s start offering support.

—

Chris Ruszkiewicz

Performance Coach | Exactly What to Say® Certified Guide

CMR Coaching & Consulting